December 27th- I bid you farewell.

Source: vi.sualize.us via Sana on Pinterest

Good Riddance.

Its 11:38 as I start writing this and I couldn't be happier that this day is almost over. Its not because I am sad- I actually had a pretty good day. Its not because something wonderful is happening tomorrow- as far as I know its not. The reason I am happy this day is coming to a close is because I feel like it is closing a chapter right along with it. A chapter of wondering, wishing, picturing. You see, today, December 27th, 2011, was our due date. I remember looking forward to this day more than you know. I was excited and overjoyed for a while at the December on its way. And as today creeped up, I began to realize how happy I would be when it was finally behind me. It sounds awful to say- but I am so done comparing with other women who were due about the same time. I am tired of trying to push the fleeting thoughts of "I would be 36 weeks today" out of my head. I am ready for a time when I look ahead of me with hope, not with wondering and questioning. I am ready for a time when the baby doesn't come to mind as I jot the date at work. I know there are a lot of people in my life- and maybe some of you- that are pretty tired of hearing my sob stories or continuous rambling of the heartache this year has been on my life, and for that I am sorry. But tonight as my husband sleeps in the next room and I type by lamp light, all I can think is that its the end. Its time to move forward. I am not sure exactly in what way to begin, but I know there is a more beautiful road ready for me. As December 27th closes upon me, I only hope that this year brings more joy than hurt, more laughter than sorrow, and more adventure than despair. I am under no illusion that life is easy, and there are people I know personally that have struggled and been broken far more than I, but I am definitely hopeful for a joyful tomorrow. My new years resolution starts tomorrow-December 28th- rather than the moment we ring in 2012. I will move forward, not keeping my eyes on what is behind me, but rather what is ahead. And I can only hope and pray that next December 27th, I am far happier and blessed in ways I know I do not deserve.

Dear Baby Jackson,

Its weird that I haven't talked to you yet, I suppose. But its not because a lack of desire. I always wanted to speak to you, I just was unsure how to start. Do I show my sadness, or try for a happier smile? I don't want you to see that there is a hole in my heart where only you belong. I don't want you to know that as I sit the beautiful yellow chair that I was supposed to rock you to sleep in is now where I sit to write and mourn you. I don't want you to see me so sad and weak, 7 months later, still unable to really move past the sadness at your absence. I watched Marley and Me last night (though my sweet friend Gina told me to stay away from it) and I forgot the reason I cried the first time. They lost their baby. And last night as I watched that scene alone at 3 am while your dad slept beside me, I was brought back to that place. The day they told us your heart had stopped beating. I can't explain the sadness I felt that day. The emptiness that immediately flooded the room. It was such an upsetting thought, to realize that at one moment you were alive inside me, and at some second that I'll never know, your heart simply stopped. I know its not the same as dying, in which you probably didn't even know you were alive or feel any pain, but perhaps I felt it on your behalf. And I am so saddened that you had to see me cry so uncontrollably for so many days over you. I hope you know how much I love you, and that on this day that I so looked forward to meeting you, I am just made more aware of the joy I will feel when I get to hold you in my arms one day, the way it was meant to be. For now I just pray you are happy, though I know you are far more loved in Heaven than I could have ever loved you down here. It still seems unfair. I pray for you often and cannot wait to get the chance to meet you. I am blessed that in the few months I had you, you taught me to love in a deeper way than I had ever known. We miss you.

Love,

your mom.

i don't want to be

Source: thefreedomexperiment.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

You know, when i was a child i didnt care what people thought. When i was a teen, i wanted people to like me, but i didnt hide who i was to gain their affection. When i was in college i began to really get to know who i was outside of my home town. And now, as an adult, i feel like i have shifted my ideas of what is okay and who i am supposed to be. And you know whats the most frustrating- that shouldnt matter to me one bit. Why, as a married woman with a home, career, and a husband who somehow adores me, do i feel the need to create this blank mask and allow other people who write on it for me? Its such a depressing thought to realize how much my thoughts on this subject have changed in the last 15 years of my life.

i remember when i was in high school and i was going a morning Bible study with some girlfriends of mine. i left my journal out one day and it was opened to a blank page on my parent's kitchen table. my mom wrote a short little note to me that said "sis- i wish that when i was your age i had the confidence you have." She may have never known that i read that, but i treasured those words. I really didnt care what people's opinions of me were. Yes, i wanted to be friends with everyone, but thats because i loved being surrounded by laughing people and just taking in all the fun life had to offer me. What happened? Now i see that note (that i still have) and realize that it no longer applies. I am not the confident woman my mom saw me as years ago. But the best part- i still can be. All of a sudden its like a light turned on and i'm a kid again hearing the words "you can be anything you want to be." And for me- i want to be a woman who loves my family with a love that is palpable. I want to be okay with decisions i make knowing that i have been prayerful and thoughtful. I want to think about whats best for me, my husband, and our babies without a second thought of what others will think of me as a result. And i want to be okay with the emotional, stress-prone, sensitive, compassionate, over whelming, sometimes too much woman that God purposefully created me to be. Because if he loves me, why shouldn't i?

pure joy

Source: etsy.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. james 1:2-4

you know, its hard for me to think of a time when i have considered my struggles and trials as pure joy. i am always questioning, always wondering, always asking why these struggles happen in my life. but- what would it be like, if through all my pain and sorrow of the last 6 months, i actually trusted God and looked at these trials as pure joy. as something i was learning from. as something that would shape me as a wife, friend, and hopeful mother. what a beautiful way to look at the trials and issues we face in our lives. not that its easy...by any means. but its something i will willingly try, as what i have been doing to fix my heart has really not been working...

happy Sunday, my friends.

weekend love

weekend, as of yet, at a glance:

in honor of me time, i am spending my saturday blogging, pinning, and relaxing at Starbucks, Peppermint Mocha in hand (well, technically my husband is here, but hes being super quiet and reading...). Last night we had a date night and went Christmas shopping at the mall, again with wintery Sbux drinks...its an addiction people. We then finished the night with red wine and movie night in bed all snuggled in with our kitty and 80 pound yellow lab. Good thing we splurged on the king bed a while back...

since i still dont have a super cool camera- here are some pictures i found while pinning this morning that i am slightly to very obsessed with. NOTE- these are not my cool pictures. they do not describe the things i have personally been doing this fine November day,

but yet the things i would be doing had i won the lottery and popped out some cute babies. enjoy, lovelies.

a dream is a wish your heart makes

Since it’s 11:11 all day long… does that mean we get a day of wishes? I hope so- because here are just a few things I wish for:

Did you make a wish today?

Me time

Source: pinklemonadedesign.blogspot.com via Caroline on Pinterest

Have you ever spent a day by yourself, doing things you want to do, relaxing- just having some time for alone? Lately, I have been finding that time a little difficult because I always feel like there is something to do. Dishes to wash. Laundry to fold. A closet to organize. A bedroom to clean. As I get older I have found that it gets harder and harder to go sit at a coffee shop and read, without feeling that pang of laziness. Am I alone here? There must be SOMETHING I could be doing with this time, rather than just sitting alone and relaxing. Well- I am here to tell you- this is my new resolution to myself. To sit, do things I love, and realize that the dishes will be done soon enough. Anyone with me? I say take even a few hours a week to watch your favorite movie, take a yoga class, read a sappy book, spend way too much time at Target, or craft away while listening to Christmas music (yes, I do that often.) What will YOU do for yourself this week?

Here are a few ideas, and things I enjoy doing:
- Go get Nicholas Sparks’ new book at Powells
- Get a new nail polish and go to town
- People watch at the mall
- Drink your fave Starbucks Holiday coffee and walk on a pretty lit street
- Find a close Pilates class
- Be a tourist in your own city- use cityfinder.com for fun ideas
- Paint pottery
- Bake
- Go to a thrift store and feel good about finding an awesome deal
- Go on a run with your favorite music playing
- Take a bubble bath
- Pinterest like a crazy person
- Make and send cards out to people you miss
- Find a new coffee shop in your city
- Learn to knit
- Find new recipes

change will do you good

i decided on some change. i feel like as i enter a new season of letting the bitterness go, and finding joy in the path i am on- a change was necessary. hope you all enjoy, and i will post tonight or tomorrow!

so here i am...

Source: faithinspiration.tumblr.com via Olivia on Pinterest

Hey all.

Yes its been a while. I realize. I've been a bit stuck lately, and i suppose i didn't know where to start. therefore i just didn't start at all. But that, i am realizing, is really not helpful. So here i am, i guess trying to find some relief.

i'm sad, i'll admit. i guess i kept waiting until one day when i would get to shock you all with the excitement of a baby blessing our lives, but that has slowly become less of a reality. we decided to hold off for a little longer. and when i say we, i mean that Paul lovingly and kindly spoke his mind about his desire to wait a little longer, and i freaked out entirely. i came to my senses after realizing that what my husband was asking for was time with me. how could i be hurt by him wanting to be around me, and only me? but somehow i still struggled. i find myself bitter, and i hate the color bitter. its not flattering, and not kind. but its all thats getting me by right now. i look at these adorable pregnant bellies of my beautiful friends and have to fight off jealousy, and that pains me more than you know. i spend time with my wonderful friends and family and feel out of place because i cant talk about how to make my baby sleep through the night or what i use when she has the sniffles. seeing other peoples joy reminds me of this time last year creating our plan: pregnant in the spring, new baby by Christmas. now, as Christmas will come and go, i just cant help but think "i should be 8 months pregnant right now." not helpful or good for me, i know. but i spent so long planning, thinking, dreaming that now i don't quite know where to put my thoughts. i feel awful admitting it. but i struggle coming to God. i'm guessing its because i am such a mess that he is probably not happy with the way i have handled this situation. now here i am, stuck, and unsure how to move on. thats my only option though-to move on. Its weird- i feel like i knew this baby somehow and know i struggle to forget him. im not sure if i shared this, but

Paul and i named him Jackson.

its always been our favorite baby name. so now we have our baby jackson in heaven. and here i am, his own mother, unable to get over myself and my pain. i know i will find my way, i just don't understand why it has taken this long. at least the tears are not as constant now and for that i am incredibly thankful. but my fear now is the numbness, which could potentially be worse. the things that were once my comfort and peace, are now so hard to come to- and that in itself is difficult. i need to learn what its like to remember His love for me. how he is jealous for me- how he loves us. that song will make me cry until they day i meet him because it speaks to me heart in an incredible way.

oh, how he loves us.

and here i am: bitter, angry, sad. not the joyful woman i should be. i am moving slowly through these past few months of my life just getting by daily. trying to push my desire for a baby aside to honor my husband and his wishes. trying desperately to change my thoughts to something else- but the one thing i am continually called towards- i fear. i'll figure it out. and it the meantime i simply get to rest in the knowledge that he loves me. oh- how he loves me.

motivation for life

I AM going to get back into my jeans.

I’m gonna do it. I will be able to wear more than one pair of my pants. I will be able to rock my cute shirts that snug up on the hips. I will have more energy. I will believe it when my husband tells me I am beautiful. Who’s with me? I got so much wonderful feedback here and on facebook and I am so thankful for all your awesome ideas. You seriously are amazing. So you ready to hear my plan?

My wonderful mother-in-law has told me numerous times that you can do anything for a little while. And every time this proves to be true. So I am going to go one day at a time, one week at a time, until I get to where I long to be.

For starters- I will finally break out my Jillian Michaels’ DVD on how to lose 10 pounds in 20 days, or something like that. And, considering my office has a gym (thank you, Nike!), I might as well use it!
Then- I will wake up early enough to have a quite time and a real breakfast. Maybe even have enough time to do my makeup at home instead of in my work’s locker room? Lofty goal, I know!
Thirdly- Keep myself motivated and moving at home. My T.V. shows will be there when I get back.

And finally, I have found a legit, healthy detox plan. See here to see how I’ll be eating this week. At the bottom of the page you will find meals for days 1-7 individualy. It will be hard for me. But its time I kick it into high gear and get back to my fighting weight! There's even a shopping list to take to the grocery store with you!

Anyone want to join in and let me know how their week goes with this cool menu? It actually looks pretty good! And who knows, maybe I’ll be able to fit into my favorite jeans for the fantastic bachelorette party Olivia and I are throwing Friday.

a cry for help

Hi all. I’m here for a plea for help. Remember that one post I wrote about the hilarity (sarcasm, of course) of gaining all this weight? Welp, I went to the dr. again and by some awful turn of events I have gained even more weight. Its just lovely. So I am here asking you- what do I do?! What works for you?! Paul and I can try for a baby next month and I want to be in better shape. I understand bodies change- but I need to figure out something that works for me to get myself back. I am ready to feel like myself again, and this weight gain is having the opposite effect. Help?

things i would like to do asap

i wish i lived in a craft store most days of my life. today specifically.

Source: fetefanatic.blogspot.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: teachcraftlove.blogspot.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: fleamarketstylemag.blogspot.com via Emily on Pinterest

Source: littlethingsbringsmiles.blogspot.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

wednesday lovin': my someday

Source: tandsdaybook.blogspot.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: countryliving.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: mypinkcloud.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: darlinglittledetails.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Michelle on Pinterest

have no envy and no fear

Source: flickr.com via Elly on Pinterest

I don't like feeling jealous of people. It's an unflattering and wasted emotion. However, tonight I simply cannot help it. Please believe me when I say that I have tried. I do my best to smile and not show my envy or neediness to those around me. But right now- I feel like I am sucking at it. People keep saying I am being strong. But I cannot see an ounce of strength in me. All I see is a girl that still cries in the shower so she can't be heard. Reads books to escape reality a bit. Puts on an angry face because its easier than a sad one. And yet- it doesn't help whatsoever. I still find myself sad when I come home from a night with my sweet friends and their adorable babies. Or putting my niece to sleep knowing that my sister has a bond with her that she and I will never have. And I am okay with that- don't get me wrong. I just feel like I am missing out on something. Like there is a piece of me that feels so empty and I am just not sure what to fill it with. I have tried the superficial things that pump up your mood for a second- new clothes, a sappy chick flick, happy hour with a friend. But then I come home and realize I am missing something. I love my husband more than anything, and sometimes I wonder if he feels it too. Like we had this thing that made us whole..and now that its gone we are not sure how to put it back together again. Its not a fun feeling. Its scary and unnerving. I don't like not being able to control my tears. It makes me feel weak and childish. But lately, I almost feel like I don't have a choice. As if this is my life now, and it will never change. You know when you are sick and you feel like you'll never feel better? Thats my fear- I'll never feel whole again. Never have a day go by where I don't miss someone. Never look at a pregnant woman and feel tears well up. Never see a mother with her babies and have to fight back the words "that will never be me" from my mind. Its a daily battle, my friends. And let me tell you- Its one that I wish was over.

i heart etsy

So excited for my wonderful cousin, Katie, and her new Etsy adventure!! She just did the CUTEST invitations for a fun, flirty, lingerie shower Olivia and I are throwing in a few weeks (see below). Be sure to check out Katie's Etsy shop! Cute invitations make a great reason to throw a party!

Home Sweet Home

Here are just a few projects we have done at home this week.

Nothing crazy- but enjoy.

with this ring, I thee wed

Hi all!! Sorry I have been MIA lately… with all these vacations and projects I am falling behind in life! Paul was in a wedding in Baton Rouge this weekend so we went and explored Texas, Baton Rouge, and New Orleans. I will put some pictures up and tell you about our awesome Southern Adventure later today.

One thing that stuck out to me this weekend was the vows at the wedding. I was sitting there, looking at the stunning bride, and her husband-to-be staring lovingly in her eyes, and I was taken back a bit. I don’t remember our wedding vows to a T, but I am certain they were similar to the ones recited this Saturday. They are about loving each other, being faithful to one another, and I think we even added a vow to never grow old in spirit. One thing that struck me was when Mollie and Jeff looked into each other’s eyes and told one another that they will stand by each other through whatever pain and sorrow life brings, holding on to one another through the sad moments in life. As I looked up at my husband standing next to the groom, I realized that is exactly what he has done. He has been there selflessly and unconditionally through the past 6 months of our lives- through the joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, and even through the 2 days when my hormones dropped so dramatically that I laid on the couch, crying uncontrollably, certain my body would go into shock from the expelling of tears! He was there through it all and I am forever thankful. As we said those words 2 years ago, who would have known what would come our way. Now- I say we get on to the other vows, about joy and laughter, and chasing our dreams.

Wednesday lovin': things i think are beautiful today

Source: stylemepretty.com via Jenny on Pinterest

Source: mackink.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Source: sweetandsaucyshop.com via Anne onPinterest

Source: gatherlove.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

Source: nicolehill.blogspot.com via Elizaveta on Pinterest

finding a way to laugh through the pain

Wit and Delight

I’ve got some bad news, my friends. Not real, heartbreaking bad news. But the kind where you can only find humor in it otherwise it will take you right down with it.

So here it is: I have gained 20 pounds since May.

This is not a plea to hear “no, Lindsay- you’re fine just the way you are!” or anything of the like. This is simply me coming to terms with the truth. And because my sweet husband is tired of hearing me freak out about it- I have decided to share with you the little moments of laughter I have had to find in the many downfalls of the past few months. Afterall- Laughter really can heal your brokenness.

One- My weight. Okay, so 20 pounds may not sound like a ton, but let me tell you- my pants are a tad snug. The day we found out we were losing the baby, a sweet little nurse came in and pulled me from my tears to let me know that they needed to take my weight. AWESOME. So there I am, standing on the old time scale. It’s the one that has two rows for measurement- the top one goes up by one pound, and the bottom by 50. So you move the bottom one to say, 100. Then move the top to 30 ish. Then you have your weight of 130. Or so I wished that awful day. There I was, eyes red from crying, standing on the scale. In retrospect I should have turned away from the numbers, hide from the truth of my misfortune. She moved the top scale over, then some more, and a little more (okay a lot), and as she got to the very end of the top scale, she stopped. I could see here mind running- “do I move the second scale over and ruin this girl’s day even more, or do I pretend this is correct and simply guess her final weight?” She opted for the latter and I am forever thankful.

Two- Paul was out of town for work one week in June. It was maybe 3 weeks after all that happened and I was still not put back together emotionally. So one Friday night, after sitting alone for far too long, eating too much takeout, and getting into conversations with my dog, I decided this was a little ridiculous. I have always been one to take my happiness into my own hands, so I thought “I am going to Target to get myself a ‘get well’ gift! That will make it all better!” (insert laughter here). So there I was, at Target, in line to purchase my basket of goodies. Bahha. As the Target girl started to ring things up, I began to feel the deep dread of my purchases. I may have gotten a little red as I realized what my items made me look like. In my basket I had: a pair of shorts 4 sizes bigger than “normal,” a Jillian Michaels work out tape to get me some 10 minute abs, Slimfast drinks, a baggy mens t-shirt, and a Spanx tank top to take away my muffin top. I know what you are thinking: “Seriously, Lindsay?!” Well, my sweet friend, it gets worse. You know the coupon that gets printed off with your receipt that says “based on your purchases, we think you could use this coupon in the future.” Well, out comes a coupon for pampers diapers and pacifiers. Yeah, here I was buying my big clothes, workout regimen tapes, and my Spanx. But no- I am not a mother and no- I do not need diapers or pacifiers. Just a woman lost in herself. Well, I got home, realized my sadness couldn’t be fixed at Target, and called my older sister to ease my pain. We hung out for the night and all we could do was laugh off my misfortune and my broken heart- which surprisingly helped a lot. As for my purchases, everything found itself in a box high in my closet. Except the Spanx. Those are just necessary.

Three- See my older post here. Its all about how beautiful it is to laugh through pain, and how friends can heal your heart.

Thanks for listening.

New developments

Hey friends- sorry it has been a bit since I wrote last. I suppose it has been a little more difficult lately- because at least with the miscarriage I started writing after everything had happened. Right now- I am kinda stuck in the thick of it.

While I was at Malibu, the miscarriage kinda went through a repeat. It was not fun. I will spare the details, other than the fact that I thought it was all over, and unfortunately..it was not. You see, I have been getting my blood drawn every two weeks since May to make sure my pregnancy hormone levels were dropping steadily. Lately, they have been at somewhat of a standstill and things have been going slowly. So at Malibu- it came to rest. I am so thankful that my wonderful friend Olivia was just a room away and was able to come to my rescue more than once. When I got home from Canada I went to the doctor just to make sure all was well, and found that apparently an ER visit should have happened, but I seem to have made it alright. Well- they took my blood and it is official- I am no longer pregnant. I guess on the upside we can try again sooner than later. Yet, hearing those words were not as comforting as I would have imagined. Its as if the last 2 1/2 months dragged on for far too long- like things couldn't just come to a close. What is God teaching me in that? Patience? I bet. Trust? Most likely. Faith? I would assume. While at camp I was reminded of something- God didn't make this happen. I would bet he was crying along with me most nights, wishing he could help. Maybe he covered me with a blanket like in "Broken Heart." I am certain He was feeling my pain right along with me since April. And I love him for that.

I also feel super blessed tonight because 4 girls whom I love dearly gave me such a gift tonight. Anna, Grace, Kendall, and Haley gave me the gift of knowing my heart. They took such time and effort in putting together a basket of lovely gifts to comfort me in all this hurt- and they did such an amazing job. I feel so blessed to have spent last week getting to know these awesome senior girls and can't wait to see what this year, and their future, holds for them. Love you ladies!

Thanks for listening.

Because I love you: Happy Birthday, baby sister!!

I LOVE my little sister. She might be the best "last minute surprise" that happened to our family. And now here she is- turning 20 years old!! I am so thankful that she is in my life. And I love her for so many reasons. From our late night drives/ ice cream trips, to beach trips to get a candy apple. From her entirely too real fear of Hello Kitty, to our dress up and fancy dinner party nights (that you would think happened only in our childhood, and yet I slipped an invitation under her bedroom door not more than 3 years ago...) I love you so much, Kiki, and for a thousand reasons. I only wish I had time and space to list them all. You'll always be my favorite baby sister. Can't wait to see the woman you continue to become. So proud of you!!

Evidence that we used to dress up :)

Isn't she stunning?!!

Wednesday lovin': Best dream ever

Last night I had the craziest dream.
I was at home (but a cooler home than my own) and there were mirrors everywhere. My mom was there, and so was my husband and two sisters. In the whole dream I was so afraid because there was this ghost that was following me everywhere. I had this feeling that I was being followed, and every time I passed a mirror I would look into it and see this sad woman in a flowy dress right behind me. She was always looking directly at me- just looking at me with sad eyes and following my everywhere I went.

One day- I started to get super freaked out and told my mom to go tell her to leave me alone. My extremely brave mom marched upstairs to tell this woman to leave her daughter alone and follow someone else. But when my mom came downstairs she was crying and holding all this rolled up pieces of paper- old looking ones, like old school book paper from my grandma’s age. She gave the scrolls to me and cried and told me how much this ghost woman loved me. She said she followed me everywhere because she loved me so much and felt so sad for me- she wanted me to know she cared.

The reason she loved me so much was because decades ago she had lost a baby- she didn’t want me to feel alone so she stayed by me. Only after my mom asked why she was around did she tell her story. All the folded papers were letters she had written me to tell me about her life, her story, and her baby. She stayed close to me so I wouldn’t feel lonely without my sweet baby.

The best part- on the last rolled up letter I opened up it simply said-

I am so sorry you lost your son.

That part was surreal to me because I am only guessing it was a boy- based on nothing but gut feeling. It was pretty cool to see that in my dream.
That was a real dream. I woke up feeling loved. Like God had sent that dream to comfort my heart. I am so thankful, too, because I really needed it right about now. Apparently He knew that… funny how that works.
I’ll put up some pretty pictures and update y’all about camp this evening!! It was amazing and I can’t wait to share with you.

Happy Anniversary!!

Hi friends!! Good news!! I am on vacation as of this afternoon!! I am so excited to be heading up to Young Life’s MALIBU camp in Canada and can’t wait to hang with these awesome kids all week :) AND no cell phone coverage- my favorite!!! But- that means no new posts for a week- hope y’all don’t miss me too much, and I will catch you all up when I get back next Tuesday!

On another note… Two years ago today I married a wonderful man. Seriously- he’s the best friend I could ask for and makes me happier than I thought was possible. We have been through so much this year- some happy, some downright wonderful, some funny, and some really hard days. He makes me laugh daily with his silliness and weird accents (that I sometimes pretend to actually be mad at), gets up at 5 am with me to make me breakfast even though he doesn’t work until 8, he cried with me when we lost my sweet family dog, and has been crying with me over our sweet baby. He loves me so much and so selflessly- and for that I am forever thankful. I wish I could learn to love like him. I am blessed to have such an amazing man to lead our family and choose me to be his wife. Thank you, Paul! And happy anniversary!! Below are some pictures, including one from our first "real" date 5 years ago!!

(PS- my picnik isn't working to make these cooler :( Boo)

this is what it means to be held

Source: jesustumblr.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

I cannot believe you are angry or unjust, you have done nothing but have compassion on us. So be near when I give up, be near.

Bethany Dillon

I’m sitting here listening to Bethany Dillion, trying to get the courage to write these words. Though they are happy- I cried harder this day than any others in the past few months. There is a book called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo, and it is amazing. Todd is a pastor and father to Colten, who at age 3, had a near death experience and saw a glimpse of heaven. His dad writes the story of how they unpacked all Colten had to say in the coming months. It seems outrageous, but its really amazing. Read it if you haven’t. Now, this isn’t word for word, because I have passed the book on to anybody that would read it. But here goes.

3 months after the whole Heaven ordeal, Colten casually walks into the kitchen to talk with his mom.

“Mom, did you know I have 2 sister?” Colten said.

“No you don’t Colten- you have your sister, and your cousin,” she replied.

“no- I have two sisters”

“Colten- there is just the one sister,” said his mother.

“MOM- I have two sisters. You had a baby that died in your belly!”

His mom didn’t know what to say. At 3 years old they hadn’t told Colten about the miscarriage they had years before, so they were unsure how to respond. Colten started to walk away, having said what he wanted to… But his mother stopped his right where he was.

“Colten- how did you know I had a baby die in my belly?”

“I met her in Heaven. She came up to me laughing and hugged me really hard,” he casually said.

“What did she look like!?” his mother asked.

“She looked like Kasey, but a little smaller. With long black hair.” Perfectly resembling his mother.

Colten could tell his mom was getting upset, and he didn’t know what he had said.

“Mom, its okay- God adopted her. She’s okay!”

His mother asked what her name was through her tears and Colten simply replied “she doesn’t have a name- you didn’t name her”

“You’re right,” said his mother. “We didn’t even know she was a girl.”

His mom fought back tears realizing that she had a baby in heaven. A little girl she loved from the moment she knew she existed. And Colten did what he could to comfort her:

“Mom- she is okay mom. She’s happy. She prays for you and watches you. She wanted to me tell you she loves you and can’t wait for you and daddy to be with her in Heaven.”

And with those four lines, I felt more comfort that ever in my life. My baby is more than a little peanut. It’s a baby. There’s a baby in heaven watching over me- seeing my cry over him, and praying for me. He knows how my heart aches for him. I wonder what he thinks of me as I am walking through this pain. If he is proud of me, misses me, aches for me as well. How amazing to realize that the moment I reach heaven one day I will get to hold this sweet baby that my heart mourns. For the first time, I cried tears of joy. Because this little baby I love so dearly has not left my life, only entered my heart in an amazing way. It was such a beautiful moment for Paul and I. He came upstairs and realized how hard I was crying and I had to convince him that they were good tears, beautiful tears. The most incredible part was that in the book the boy is greeted by his great grandfather that he had never met or heard about. But there he was, in heaven, watching this family and running to greet his great grandson as he entered heaven. The day before I read this book (in one sitting), Paul’s wonderful grandfather had passed away. He was a great man of faith and there is not a single doubt where he is now. As Paul and I talked, we realized something:

Our sweet baby greeted Grandpa Chuck in heaven, and they are together.

Grandpa is healthy and without pain, and he and our sweet baby are watching this family together as we begin to piece life back together.

How could I not feel comforted by this picture?

Wednesday lovin': Big girl, Lola

Back with my sweet Lola today. It is crazy how she changes every time I see her!! Already had to lower the crib so the little bugger can't climb out. I wish she would stop growing and just stay little...

Agenda today, you ask? Biting toes, making mouth bubbles, and scootin' across the floor. Not sure what Lola's up to, though. :) Will write a longer blurb later tonight. Stories not over yet, folks.

a woman wears her tears like jewelry

I just cried in the bathroom at work. A rough day, I suppose. Lately I have been having rough days more often. Maybe the sadness and emptiness isn’t as gone as I thought it was. The baby would be 19 weeks tomorrow. I would know if it was a boy or girl- though I am almost certain it was a boy. I would buy a new outfit to celebrate. We would surprise our parents with the news and go straight to home depot to buy room colors. Instead I will sit in the rocking chair a pray for my baby. Pray that he is happy. Pray that he can look down on my crying over him and be assured how much I love him, that I miss him, that I wish he was here with me. I hope he knows. I wonder when I’ll stop crying. I remember two days after we lost him, a friend who I didn’t talk to often told me congratulations. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I woke the next morning with puffy eyes and the heaviest heart. After that I cried every day, but then one day it slowed down. And now here I am, bawling in the bathroom stall wishing I could just be okay for a minute. Someday, I am sure of it. My friends tell me to give it time, its only been 2 months. But I still have this feeling that its been too long- that I should be better now. I suppose it’s the not knowing how to grieve part that makes it difficult. Someday I’ll figure it out. Until then, I’ll just invest in waterproof mascara.

hope

Source: tiredofbeingme.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

the loneliness sets in

Source: weheartit.com via Jamie on Pinterest

So- as I have said previously- this will most likely be the hardest part of my story to tell. It involves so much sadness and details I will most likely keep to myself, for the most part. But I need to get this one out most of all- so please bear with me while I work through this one.

As some of you may have gathered.. I am not the most patient person in the world [enter bff’s laughter here]. I tend to want things to happen quickly, swiftly, and with ease. Well, things don’t happen like that and its about time I realize it. So, we left off in the dr. office. The moment when the words “you are experiencing an early loss of your child” ring in my ears to this day. Who knew something could hit you so hard so quickly. I couldn’t speak much or think much, so she gave us a few days to work through the pamphlets she gave us about our different options, you could say. There were three to choose from: surgery, medically inducing at home, or just waiting. Surprisingly, I wanted to wait and let nature take its course.

[secret: I wanted God to save my baby. I wanted it to be brought back to life. I was hoping for a miracle.]

When 2 weeks went by with me constantly thinking- is this it?- we decided we had been through enough and went back to get the medicine to induce at our home. I didn’t want to do the surgery because I needed closure at this point. I needed to feel it all happen to really digest that it is over, if that makes sense. So I planned it all out. It would happen on Wednesday. What a weird feeling. Whats ever weirder is that one of my beautiful friends had her baby on Tuesday night. So there I was, holding her baby at the hospital, just feet away from where I would get my medication tomorrow. Kaity had been with me through all the ups and downs in the recent weeks, so I felt this connection to her sweet baby. I loved this baby from the get go. And as I held him, I think I got a chance to say goodbye to mine, and that was precious to me.

So here we are, on that Wednesday, May 25^th. I had a wonderful friend come over while Paul was at work for a few more hours. As soon as I took the medication I cried. I knew it was over for real this time. And I was in charge of that. It kicked in immediately and the pain was so strong I can even put it into words. All I could do was cry, hold my belly, and pray that it would be over soon. A few hours in the pain got so strong that I had to get into the bath tub and take my vicodin. One didn’t suffice, so I finally took two. All I could do in the tub was cry while Paul rubbed my back. I think it was hardest because I knew that I was going through all this hurt…and would have nothing to show for it. It would just be done and then I would have to just go on and get up tomorrow morning like nothing happened. Well, my mom came over and she and Paul spent the night trying to make me laugh, to forget the pain I was in, not to mention [SORRY BOYS] all the bleeding. So- here I was, at midnight. 11 hours in. After 2 vicodin, pain, crying, and 2 calls to the advice nurse to say “what the crap! Is this supposed to be happening?!??!” it all calmed down. I cried myself to sleep knowing my baby had made its way out of our lives officially. That was a hard thing to grasp- but I had no choice. They were gone, and I think the first thing I felt, and what I still feel, is lonely. I think I just sticks with you. Now, my only choice was to work through grieving a person I never met but still loved more than life, and would always love so dearly. For the next few weeks I would say a depression set in. I sat in the nursery chair often. Cried a lot, but only at home. And tried to find a way to pretend I was okay. Man- I suck at that. Slowly but surely comfort will come. Friends dropped off flowers and we got cards in the mail. All people who love us letting us know we will be okay. At the time I couldn't fathom I would ever be okay.

Thanks for listening. Dang- that was hard.