this is what it means to be held

Source: jesustumblr.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

I cannot believe you are angry or unjust, you have done nothing but have compassion on us. So be near when I give up, be near.

Bethany Dillon

I’m sitting here listening to Bethany Dillion, trying to get the courage to write these words. Though they are happy- I cried harder this day than any others in the past few months. There is a book called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo, and it is amazing. Todd is a pastor and father to Colten, who at age 3, had a near death experience and saw a glimpse of heaven. His dad writes the story of how they unpacked all Colten had to say in the coming months. It seems outrageous, but its really amazing. Read it if you haven’t. Now, this isn’t word for word, because I have passed the book on to anybody that would read it. But here goes.

3 months after the whole Heaven ordeal, Colten casually walks into the kitchen to talk with his mom.

“Mom, did you know I have 2 sister?” Colten said.

“No you don’t Colten- you have your sister, and your cousin,” she replied.

“no- I have two sisters”

“Colten- there is just the one sister,” said his mother.

“MOM- I have two sisters. You had a baby that died in your belly!”

His mom didn’t know what to say. At 3 years old they hadn’t told Colten about the miscarriage they had years before, so they were unsure how to respond. Colten started to walk away, having said what he wanted to… But his mother stopped his right where he was.

“Colten- how did you know I had a baby die in my belly?”

“I met her in Heaven. She came up to me laughing and hugged me really hard,” he casually said.

“What did she look like!?” his mother asked.

“She looked like Kasey, but a little smaller. With long black hair.” Perfectly resembling his mother.

Colten could tell his mom was getting upset, and he didn’t know what he had said.

“Mom, its okay- God adopted her. She’s okay!”

His mother asked what her name was through her tears and Colten simply replied “she doesn’t have a name- you didn’t name her”

“You’re right,” said his mother. “We didn’t even know she was a girl.”

His mom fought back tears realizing that she had a baby in heaven. A little girl she loved from the moment she knew she existed. And Colten did what he could to comfort her:

“Mom- she is okay mom. She’s happy. She prays for you and watches you. She wanted to me tell you she loves you and can’t wait for you and daddy to be with her in Heaven.”

And with those four lines, I felt more comfort that ever in my life. My baby is more than a little peanut. It’s a baby. There’s a baby in heaven watching over me- seeing my cry over him, and praying for me. He knows how my heart aches for him. I wonder what he thinks of me as I am walking through this pain. If he is proud of me, misses me, aches for me as well. How amazing to realize that the moment I reach heaven one day I will get to hold this sweet baby that my heart mourns. For the first time, I cried tears of joy. Because this little baby I love so dearly has not left my life, only entered my heart in an amazing way. It was such a beautiful moment for Paul and I. He came upstairs and realized how hard I was crying and I had to convince him that they were good tears, beautiful tears. The most incredible part was that in the book the boy is greeted by his great grandfather that he had never met or heard about. But there he was, in heaven, watching this family and running to greet his great grandson as he entered heaven. The day before I read this book (in one sitting), Paul’s wonderful grandfather had passed away. He was a great man of faith and there is not a single doubt where he is now. As Paul and I talked, we realized something:

Our sweet baby greeted Grandpa Chuck in heaven, and they are together.

Grandpa is healthy and without pain, and he and our sweet baby are watching this family together as we begin to piece life back together.

How could I not feel comforted by this picture?