Its 11:38 as I start writing this and I couldn't be happier that this day is almost over. Its not because I am sad- I actually had a pretty good day. Its not because something wonderful is happening tomorrow- as far as I know its not. The reason I am happy this day is coming to a close is because I feel like it is closing a chapter right along with it. A chapter of wondering, wishing, picturing. You see, today, December 27th, 2011, was our due date. I remember looking forward to this day more than you know. I was excited and overjoyed for a while at the December on its way. And as today creeped up, I began to realize how happy I would be when it was finally behind me. It sounds awful to say- but I am so done comparing with other women who were due about the same time. I am tired of trying to push the fleeting thoughts of "I would be 36 weeks today" out of my head. I am ready for a time when I look ahead of me with hope, not with wondering and questioning. I am ready for a time when the baby doesn't come to mind as I jot the date at work. I know there are a lot of people in my life- and maybe some of you- that are pretty tired of hearing my sob stories or continuous rambling of the heartache this year has been on my life, and for that I am sorry. But tonight as my husband sleeps in the next room and I type by lamp light, all I can think is that its the end. Its time to move forward. I am not sure exactly in what way to begin, but I know there is a more beautiful road ready for me. As December 27th closes upon me, I only hope that this year brings more joy than hurt, more laughter than sorrow, and more adventure than despair. I am under no illusion that life is easy, and there are people I know personally that have struggled and been broken far more than I, but I am definitely hopeful for a joyful tomorrow. My new years resolution starts tomorrow-December 28th- rather than the moment we ring in 2012. I will move forward, not keeping my eyes on what is behind me, but rather what is ahead. And I can only hope and pray that next December 27th, I am far happier and blessed in ways I know I do not deserve.
Dear Baby Jackson,
Its weird that I haven't talked to you yet, I suppose. But its not because a lack of desire. I always wanted to speak to you, I just was unsure how to start. Do I show my sadness, or try for a happier smile? I don't want you to see that there is a hole in my heart where only you belong. I don't want you to know that as I sit the beautiful yellow chair that I was supposed to rock you to sleep in is now where I sit to write and mourn you. I don't want you to see me so sad and weak, 7 months later, still unable to really move past the sadness at your absence. I watched Marley and Me last night (though my sweet friend Gina told me to stay away from it) and I forgot the reason I cried the first time. They lost their baby. And last night as I watched that scene alone at 3 am while your dad slept beside me, I was brought back to that place. The day they told us your heart had stopped beating. I can't explain the sadness I felt that day. The emptiness that immediately flooded the room. It was such an upsetting thought, to realize that at one moment you were alive inside me, and at some second that I'll never know, your heart simply stopped. I know its not the same as dying, in which you probably didn't even know you were alive or feel any pain, but perhaps I felt it on your behalf. And I am so saddened that you had to see me cry so uncontrollably for so many days over you. I hope you know how much I love you, and that on this day that I so looked forward to meeting you, I am just made more aware of the joy I will feel when I get to hold you in my arms one day, the way it was meant to be. For now I just pray you are happy, though I know you are far more loved in Heaven than I could have ever loved you down here. It still seems unfair. I pray for you often and cannot wait to get the chance to meet you. I am blessed that in the few months I had you, you taught me to love in a deeper way than I had ever known. We miss you.
Love,
your mom.
beautifully said!
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