Happy Anniversary!!

Hi friends!! Good news!! I am on vacation as of this afternoon!! I am so excited to be heading up to Young Life’s MALIBU camp in Canada and can’t wait to hang with these awesome kids all week :) AND no cell phone coverage- my favorite!!! But- that means no new posts for a week- hope y’all don’t miss me too much, and I will catch you all up when I get back next Tuesday!

On another note… Two years ago today I married a wonderful man. Seriously- he’s the best friend I could ask for and makes me happier than I thought was possible. We have been through so much this year- some happy, some downright wonderful, some funny, and some really hard days. He makes me laugh daily with his silliness and weird accents (that I sometimes pretend to actually be mad at), gets up at 5 am with me to make me breakfast even though he doesn’t work until 8, he cried with me when we lost my sweet family dog, and has been crying with me over our sweet baby. He loves me so much and so selflessly- and for that I am forever thankful. I wish I could learn to love like him. I am blessed to have such an amazing man to lead our family and choose me to be his wife. Thank you, Paul! And happy anniversary!! Below are some pictures, including one from our first "real" date 5 years ago!!

(PS- my picnik isn't working to make these cooler :( Boo)

this is what it means to be held

Source: jesustumblr.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

I cannot believe you are angry or unjust, you have done nothing but have compassion on us. So be near when I give up, be near.

Bethany Dillon

I’m sitting here listening to Bethany Dillion, trying to get the courage to write these words. Though they are happy- I cried harder this day than any others in the past few months. There is a book called “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo, and it is amazing. Todd is a pastor and father to Colten, who at age 3, had a near death experience and saw a glimpse of heaven. His dad writes the story of how they unpacked all Colten had to say in the coming months. It seems outrageous, but its really amazing. Read it if you haven’t. Now, this isn’t word for word, because I have passed the book on to anybody that would read it. But here goes.

3 months after the whole Heaven ordeal, Colten casually walks into the kitchen to talk with his mom.

“Mom, did you know I have 2 sister?” Colten said.

“No you don’t Colten- you have your sister, and your cousin,” she replied.

“no- I have two sisters”

“Colten- there is just the one sister,” said his mother.

“MOM- I have two sisters. You had a baby that died in your belly!”

His mom didn’t know what to say. At 3 years old they hadn’t told Colten about the miscarriage they had years before, so they were unsure how to respond. Colten started to walk away, having said what he wanted to… But his mother stopped his right where he was.

“Colten- how did you know I had a baby die in my belly?”

“I met her in Heaven. She came up to me laughing and hugged me really hard,” he casually said.

“What did she look like!?” his mother asked.

“She looked like Kasey, but a little smaller. With long black hair.” Perfectly resembling his mother.

Colten could tell his mom was getting upset, and he didn’t know what he had said.

“Mom, its okay- God adopted her. She’s okay!”

His mother asked what her name was through her tears and Colten simply replied “she doesn’t have a name- you didn’t name her”

“You’re right,” said his mother. “We didn’t even know she was a girl.”

His mom fought back tears realizing that she had a baby in heaven. A little girl she loved from the moment she knew she existed. And Colten did what he could to comfort her:

“Mom- she is okay mom. She’s happy. She prays for you and watches you. She wanted to me tell you she loves you and can’t wait for you and daddy to be with her in Heaven.”

And with those four lines, I felt more comfort that ever in my life. My baby is more than a little peanut. It’s a baby. There’s a baby in heaven watching over me- seeing my cry over him, and praying for me. He knows how my heart aches for him. I wonder what he thinks of me as I am walking through this pain. If he is proud of me, misses me, aches for me as well. How amazing to realize that the moment I reach heaven one day I will get to hold this sweet baby that my heart mourns. For the first time, I cried tears of joy. Because this little baby I love so dearly has not left my life, only entered my heart in an amazing way. It was such a beautiful moment for Paul and I. He came upstairs and realized how hard I was crying and I had to convince him that they were good tears, beautiful tears. The most incredible part was that in the book the boy is greeted by his great grandfather that he had never met or heard about. But there he was, in heaven, watching this family and running to greet his great grandson as he entered heaven. The day before I read this book (in one sitting), Paul’s wonderful grandfather had passed away. He was a great man of faith and there is not a single doubt where he is now. As Paul and I talked, we realized something:

Our sweet baby greeted Grandpa Chuck in heaven, and they are together.

Grandpa is healthy and without pain, and he and our sweet baby are watching this family together as we begin to piece life back together.

How could I not feel comforted by this picture?

Wednesday lovin': Big girl, Lola

Back with my sweet Lola today. It is crazy how she changes every time I see her!! Already had to lower the crib so the little bugger can't climb out. I wish she would stop growing and just stay little...

Agenda today, you ask? Biting toes, making mouth bubbles, and scootin' across the floor. Not sure what Lola's up to, though. :) Will write a longer blurb later tonight. Stories not over yet, folks.

a woman wears her tears like jewelry

I just cried in the bathroom at work. A rough day, I suppose. Lately I have been having rough days more often. Maybe the sadness and emptiness isn’t as gone as I thought it was. The baby would be 19 weeks tomorrow. I would know if it was a boy or girl- though I am almost certain it was a boy. I would buy a new outfit to celebrate. We would surprise our parents with the news and go straight to home depot to buy room colors. Instead I will sit in the rocking chair a pray for my baby. Pray that he is happy. Pray that he can look down on my crying over him and be assured how much I love him, that I miss him, that I wish he was here with me. I hope he knows. I wonder when I’ll stop crying. I remember two days after we lost him, a friend who I didn’t talk to often told me congratulations. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I woke the next morning with puffy eyes and the heaviest heart. After that I cried every day, but then one day it slowed down. And now here I am, bawling in the bathroom stall wishing I could just be okay for a minute. Someday, I am sure of it. My friends tell me to give it time, its only been 2 months. But I still have this feeling that its been too long- that I should be better now. I suppose it’s the not knowing how to grieve part that makes it difficult. Someday I’ll figure it out. Until then, I’ll just invest in waterproof mascara.

hope

Source: tiredofbeingme.tumblr.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

the loneliness sets in

Source: weheartit.com via Jamie on Pinterest

So- as I have said previously- this will most likely be the hardest part of my story to tell. It involves so much sadness and details I will most likely keep to myself, for the most part. But I need to get this one out most of all- so please bear with me while I work through this one.

As some of you may have gathered.. I am not the most patient person in the world [enter bff’s laughter here]. I tend to want things to happen quickly, swiftly, and with ease. Well, things don’t happen like that and its about time I realize it. So, we left off in the dr. office. The moment when the words “you are experiencing an early loss of your child” ring in my ears to this day. Who knew something could hit you so hard so quickly. I couldn’t speak much or think much, so she gave us a few days to work through the pamphlets she gave us about our different options, you could say. There were three to choose from: surgery, medically inducing at home, or just waiting. Surprisingly, I wanted to wait and let nature take its course.

[secret: I wanted God to save my baby. I wanted it to be brought back to life. I was hoping for a miracle.]

When 2 weeks went by with me constantly thinking- is this it?- we decided we had been through enough and went back to get the medicine to induce at our home. I didn’t want to do the surgery because I needed closure at this point. I needed to feel it all happen to really digest that it is over, if that makes sense. So I planned it all out. It would happen on Wednesday. What a weird feeling. Whats ever weirder is that one of my beautiful friends had her baby on Tuesday night. So there I was, holding her baby at the hospital, just feet away from where I would get my medication tomorrow. Kaity had been with me through all the ups and downs in the recent weeks, so I felt this connection to her sweet baby. I loved this baby from the get go. And as I held him, I think I got a chance to say goodbye to mine, and that was precious to me.

So here we are, on that Wednesday, May 25^th. I had a wonderful friend come over while Paul was at work for a few more hours. As soon as I took the medication I cried. I knew it was over for real this time. And I was in charge of that. It kicked in immediately and the pain was so strong I can even put it into words. All I could do was cry, hold my belly, and pray that it would be over soon. A few hours in the pain got so strong that I had to get into the bath tub and take my vicodin. One didn’t suffice, so I finally took two. All I could do in the tub was cry while Paul rubbed my back. I think it was hardest because I knew that I was going through all this hurt…and would have nothing to show for it. It would just be done and then I would have to just go on and get up tomorrow morning like nothing happened. Well, my mom came over and she and Paul spent the night trying to make me laugh, to forget the pain I was in, not to mention [SORRY BOYS] all the bleeding. So- here I was, at midnight. 11 hours in. After 2 vicodin, pain, crying, and 2 calls to the advice nurse to say “what the crap! Is this supposed to be happening?!??!” it all calmed down. I cried myself to sleep knowing my baby had made its way out of our lives officially. That was a hard thing to grasp- but I had no choice. They were gone, and I think the first thing I felt, and what I still feel, is lonely. I think I just sticks with you. Now, my only choice was to work through grieving a person I never met but still loved more than life, and would always love so dearly. For the next few weeks I would say a depression set in. I sat in the nursery chair often. Cried a lot, but only at home. And tried to find a way to pretend I was okay. Man- I suck at that. Slowly but surely comfort will come. Friends dropped off flowers and we got cards in the mail. All people who love us letting us know we will be okay. At the time I couldn't fathom I would ever be okay.

Thanks for listening. Dang- that was hard.

Life aint always beautiful....but sometimes it is

Will I ever laugh again?
Yes.

When?
When something is really, really funny.

(Carrie Bradshaw)


I had the best time last night. Best friends, burgers, margaritas, laughter, crying, real life, more laughter, shopping spree to buy bigger jeans and beautiful baggier shirts, and yes…even MORE laughter. I love my friends, I love my jeans, and for the first time since I gained all this pregnancy weight and depression weight with nothing to show for it- I actually feel pretty. And I feel like I can laugh. It’s a big deal for me, my friends.

Don’t worry- I’ll get back to the story later tonight. I know you’re all waiting to hear about what happened next. Well, its going to be the hardest part to put into words…but I’ll try.

warning: this is a novel

Well, I guess I shouldn’t leave you all hanging. The next part was the one that kept dragging on for what felt like forever. Ill try make it short and sweet for you, because I am just that kind.

So lets see…where did I leave off? Oh that’s right- I was overwhelmingly happy. But not every joyful thing in life can last forever.

It all started about 7 weeks in. I was feeling everything I should be: sick all the time, eating like a rabbit for fear of spewing it all out moments later, and taking 2 hour naps just to get me through the day. And you know what- I didn’t even care. I knew that I was taking care of my baby and had this connection so deep, that I would have done anything in the world to make that baby safe and healthy. And I liked napping anyway, so now I had a lovely excuse. One day, I just felt wrong. I knew something wasn’t right- mother’s intuition, I have been told. So I called the doctor hoping to hear that all was well and that once again my hypochondria was kicking in. If only I had been that lucky. They called me in for an ultrasound and I had 20 minutes to get myself and my husband there, hearts beating like crazy, hoping for dear life that our baby was okay. After all, I had been doing everything right, doing the best I possibly could. We went in for the ultrasound and for a few moments they couldn’t hear the heart beat. Longest moments of my life, let me tell you. I have never been so fearful for silence in my entire life- and now here it was, our joy or fear hanging on this poor ultra sound tech’s word. The good news- after a while she heard the heartbeat- what a relief!! There it was. As I looked up at the screen I saw my baby, growing safely in my belly. And there in the corner of the tv screen was a little thump thump thump- and we watched our baby’s sweet heart beat along with mine. That joy dissipated quickly as we went to see the dr. and she informed us that the heart was actually beating about half as fast as it should be at this time. We can be hopeful, but only that- hopeful…not sure. So there we were, leaving the office terrified and knowing that in the next few days I couldn't actually be certain of anything. In the meantime, all I could do was cry, hold my belly close, and pray to God that he would let that little heart keep beating stronger. A week later… the heart beat was still slow. I was 8 weeks along now….he (yes..we believe it was a boy…) should be stronger by now. She told us we could be “cautiously optimistic.” So there we were…another week spent hoping, crying and praying. You know- I kinda had a feeling that things were going downwards. Some people felt that I was being negative, but I suppose that’s the only thing that saved my heart from entirely breaking. You see, if I had believed my baby was okay, I am not sure I would have survived what happened next.

When we first got pregnant, I happily made our first appointment for 9 weeks out. Now here we were, oddly enough on that same day, yet our heart missing the joy that should have been present. As I laid on the ultrasound table, I saw it before the tech had to say a word: no thump thump thump. Our baby’s heart had stopped beating sometime during the week. Its strange now to look back and think “when?” Was it during the night as I dreamed up baby names or nursery colors? Or maybe at work while I watched what I ate and drank all my water. Or maybe while I watched t.v., laughing with my husband over a funny commercial. I’ll never know when it happened, or if i noticed our poor baby leaving me, in a sense. All I will remember is feeling my heart drop, and hearing my husband try to navigate the details with the doctor while I cried into my hands. Who knew it would be us? And who knew this pain existed? I’ll never forget that day.

Wednesday lovin'

Good morning! I love me some Wednesdays. That is the lovely day of the week where I am let off the hook at good ol' Nike and get to spend my time with this little nugget- my sweet 7 month old niece Lola. Couldn't get better. And yes- she's a ginger.

belief

Choosing to believe this today. Why is it so hard to believe it everyday?

the happiest part

Okay- so I guess I will start from the beginning. The happy part, you could say. The part that makes everything that follows seem a little unreal.
So here we go.

This past November, my husband and I start talking about maybe starting a family soon. We discussed different goals we would like to make, some financial, some personal, and some in our marriage as a whole. Of course from the get go I didn’t hear anything else besides “lets have a baby soon” so anything he said to me in the months following are kind of a blur. We decided on April. So, what did I do? I waited and waited, and decided the wait between November and April was the longest amount of time I had ever been through. I am not going to lie- a tried more than once to change his opinion and try earlier. I may have even fake cried once….. But- he stuck to his guns and we waited until April. Which is good, I suppose. Because we got pregnant the first month after trying! Beginners luck, I say. I found out one day while Paul was at EMT school. I couldn’t believe it. I cried, called my sisters, ran to my mom’s, and experienced a joy and disbelief I have never had. Then- I figured out how to tell him- after 9 loooooong hours of knowing the good news, I went and bought a little, white newborn onsie, the cutest thing I had ever seen because I knew I finally would be using it. I had my mom sew on a little yellow piece of fabric stamped with “you’re a daddy.” I know- too cute, right? I tied it with a big blue bow to our dog’s collar and when he came home, finally, there it was. We celebrated, laughed, stared in disbelief. We called family and friends we trusted with the good news. We went to see our wonderful friends in Salem and gave them the surprise of a lifetime. We rejoiced and praised God. We knew we had a blessing. This was something I had wanted since before I can remember. Many of my friends would say they heard me talking about wanting babies well before a normal human thinks about these things. And now- here it was. My heart’s desire coming true, with my amazing husband by my side. We looked to the future and I daily felt a joy in my heart that I didn’t know was real. Even though I didn’t know my baby or couldn’t feel it move, I felt like this little person was a part of me and knew right away that I had just given my heart to them entirely- that this little baby was giving me and Paul the greatest gift we knew we didn’t deserve. How lovely that time was.

Feeling is Healing

Just too pretty to me as I begin working through all these messy thoughts.

Just the beginning....

This year has been one of the hardest but most beautiful years I have ever had. I celebrated 2 years of marriage with my amazing husband. Planned and attended baby and bridal showers for people so dear to my heart. I welcomed my sweet niece, Lola, into the world with a heart I didn’t know could open that much. I grew through my fears that used to paralyze me. I learned who I am and what my heart longs for in this life: cupcakes, craftiness, parties, wonderful friends and family. I began to understand what it means to feel blessed and pass along praise. I learned how to prioritize and found what is important. I am still learning all these things. Something most people don’t know- I lost someone I didn’t even know I could love so much. I had a person who lit up my life for a short time. Who brought me joy, fear, unlimited amounts of love, and brought my husband and I closer in a way I couldn’t image. This person meant more to me that I thought was a possibility. Who knew a heart opened that much? This person will hold a place reserved only for them in my heart until the day I get to run and hold them close. This year, I lost a person I loved more than life. This year I lost my baby. I said hello and goodbye faster than is necessary. I loved such a tremendous amount in such a short period of time, then grieved in a way that tore me apart. It was a beautiful gift, and I know that I WILL see my baby in heaven someday. In an odd way, I hope this blog will be therapeutic. I have so much to say- about life, living fully, baking, beauty, love, God, friends, wonderful gifts, as well as the grief that walks along for periods of time. I don’t believe in sugarcoating, so this will be real. I will not take my time beating down what has happened. But, the hardest thing for me during the darkest days I have known, was that no one understood. No one knew how my heart was tearing apart. No one talks about this kind of pain. So I am going to. I hope someone feels love and comfort in hearing about my year of hurting, healing, and figuring out who I am in the meantime. Feel free to ask anything you would like. I am not hiding that this happened, or hiding from what we endured in the meantime. This blog will bring you the beautiful things in life that I love so much, and will also share with you what healing meant for me. Enjoy!