have no envy and no fear

Source: flickr.com via Elly on Pinterest

I don't like feeling jealous of people. It's an unflattering and wasted emotion. However, tonight I simply cannot help it. Please believe me when I say that I have tried. I do my best to smile and not show my envy or neediness to those around me. But right now- I feel like I am sucking at it. People keep saying I am being strong. But I cannot see an ounce of strength in me. All I see is a girl that still cries in the shower so she can't be heard. Reads books to escape reality a bit. Puts on an angry face because its easier than a sad one. And yet- it doesn't help whatsoever. I still find myself sad when I come home from a night with my sweet friends and their adorable babies. Or putting my niece to sleep knowing that my sister has a bond with her that she and I will never have. And I am okay with that- don't get me wrong. I just feel like I am missing out on something. Like there is a piece of me that feels so empty and I am just not sure what to fill it with. I have tried the superficial things that pump up your mood for a second- new clothes, a sappy chick flick, happy hour with a friend. But then I come home and realize I am missing something. I love my husband more than anything, and sometimes I wonder if he feels it too. Like we had this thing that made us whole..and now that its gone we are not sure how to put it back together again. Its not a fun feeling. Its scary and unnerving. I don't like not being able to control my tears. It makes me feel weak and childish. But lately, I almost feel like I don't have a choice. As if this is my life now, and it will never change. You know when you are sick and you feel like you'll never feel better? Thats my fear- I'll never feel whole again. Never have a day go by where I don't miss someone. Never look at a pregnant woman and feel tears well up. Never see a mother with her babies and have to fight back the words "that will never be me" from my mind. Its a daily battle, my friends. And let me tell you- Its one that I wish was over.