a woman wears her tears like jewelry

I just cried in the bathroom at work. A rough day, I suppose. Lately I have been having rough days more often. Maybe the sadness and emptiness isn’t as gone as I thought it was. The baby would be 19 weeks tomorrow. I would know if it was a boy or girl- though I am almost certain it was a boy. I would buy a new outfit to celebrate. We would surprise our parents with the news and go straight to home depot to buy room colors. Instead I will sit in the rocking chair a pray for my baby. Pray that he is happy. Pray that he can look down on my crying over him and be assured how much I love him, that I miss him, that I wish he was here with me. I hope he knows. I wonder when I’ll stop crying. I remember two days after we lost him, a friend who I didn’t talk to often told me congratulations. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I woke the next morning with puffy eyes and the heaviest heart. After that I cried every day, but then one day it slowed down. And now here I am, bawling in the bathroom stall wishing I could just be okay for a minute. Someday, I am sure of it. My friends tell me to give it time, its only been 2 months. But I still have this feeling that its been too long- that I should be better now. I suppose it’s the not knowing how to grieve part that makes it difficult. Someday I’ll figure it out. Until then, I’ll just invest in waterproof mascara.