i don't want to be

Source: thefreedomexperiment.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

You know, when i was a child i didnt care what people thought. When i was a teen, i wanted people to like me, but i didnt hide who i was to gain their affection. When i was in college i began to really get to know who i was outside of my home town. And now, as an adult, i feel like i have shifted my ideas of what is okay and who i am supposed to be. And you know whats the most frustrating- that shouldnt matter to me one bit. Why, as a married woman with a home, career, and a husband who somehow adores me, do i feel the need to create this blank mask and allow other people who write on it for me? Its such a depressing thought to realize how much my thoughts on this subject have changed in the last 15 years of my life.

i remember when i was in high school and i was going a morning Bible study with some girlfriends of mine. i left my journal out one day and it was opened to a blank page on my parent's kitchen table. my mom wrote a short little note to me that said "sis- i wish that when i was your age i had the confidence you have." She may have never known that i read that, but i treasured those words. I really didnt care what people's opinions of me were. Yes, i wanted to be friends with everyone, but thats because i loved being surrounded by laughing people and just taking in all the fun life had to offer me. What happened? Now i see that note (that i still have) and realize that it no longer applies. I am not the confident woman my mom saw me as years ago. But the best part- i still can be. All of a sudden its like a light turned on and i'm a kid again hearing the words "you can be anything you want to be." And for me- i want to be a woman who loves my family with a love that is palpable. I want to be okay with decisions i make knowing that i have been prayerful and thoughtful. I want to think about whats best for me, my husband, and our babies without a second thought of what others will think of me as a result. And i want to be okay with the emotional, stress-prone, sensitive, compassionate, over whelming, sometimes too much woman that God purposefully created me to be. Because if he loves me, why shouldn't i?

pure joy

Source: etsy.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. james 1:2-4

you know, its hard for me to think of a time when i have considered my struggles and trials as pure joy. i am always questioning, always wondering, always asking why these struggles happen in my life. but- what would it be like, if through all my pain and sorrow of the last 6 months, i actually trusted God and looked at these trials as pure joy. as something i was learning from. as something that would shape me as a wife, friend, and hopeful mother. what a beautiful way to look at the trials and issues we face in our lives. not that its easy...by any means. but its something i will willingly try, as what i have been doing to fix my heart has really not been working...

happy Sunday, my friends.

weekend love

weekend, as of yet, at a glance:

in honor of me time, i am spending my saturday blogging, pinning, and relaxing at Starbucks, Peppermint Mocha in hand (well, technically my husband is here, but hes being super quiet and reading...). Last night we had a date night and went Christmas shopping at the mall, again with wintery Sbux drinks...its an addiction people. We then finished the night with red wine and movie night in bed all snuggled in with our kitty and 80 pound yellow lab. Good thing we splurged on the king bed a while back...

since i still dont have a super cool camera- here are some pictures i found while pinning this morning that i am slightly to very obsessed with. NOTE- these are not my cool pictures. they do not describe the things i have personally been doing this fine November day,

but yet the things i would be doing had i won the lottery and popped out some cute babies. enjoy, lovelies.

a dream is a wish your heart makes

Since it’s 11:11 all day long… does that mean we get a day of wishes? I hope so- because here are just a few things I wish for:

Did you make a wish today?

Me time

Source: pinklemonadedesign.blogspot.com via Caroline on Pinterest

Have you ever spent a day by yourself, doing things you want to do, relaxing- just having some time for alone? Lately, I have been finding that time a little difficult because I always feel like there is something to do. Dishes to wash. Laundry to fold. A closet to organize. A bedroom to clean. As I get older I have found that it gets harder and harder to go sit at a coffee shop and read, without feeling that pang of laziness. Am I alone here? There must be SOMETHING I could be doing with this time, rather than just sitting alone and relaxing. Well- I am here to tell you- this is my new resolution to myself. To sit, do things I love, and realize that the dishes will be done soon enough. Anyone with me? I say take even a few hours a week to watch your favorite movie, take a yoga class, read a sappy book, spend way too much time at Target, or craft away while listening to Christmas music (yes, I do that often.) What will YOU do for yourself this week?

Here are a few ideas, and things I enjoy doing:
- Go get Nicholas Sparks’ new book at Powells
- Get a new nail polish and go to town
- People watch at the mall
- Drink your fave Starbucks Holiday coffee and walk on a pretty lit street
- Find a close Pilates class
- Be a tourist in your own city- use cityfinder.com for fun ideas
- Paint pottery
- Bake
- Go to a thrift store and feel good about finding an awesome deal
- Go on a run with your favorite music playing
- Take a bubble bath
- Pinterest like a crazy person
- Make and send cards out to people you miss
- Find a new coffee shop in your city
- Learn to knit
- Find new recipes

change will do you good

i decided on some change. i feel like as i enter a new season of letting the bitterness go, and finding joy in the path i am on- a change was necessary. hope you all enjoy, and i will post tonight or tomorrow!

so here i am...

Source: faithinspiration.tumblr.com via Olivia on Pinterest

Hey all.

Yes its been a while. I realize. I've been a bit stuck lately, and i suppose i didn't know where to start. therefore i just didn't start at all. But that, i am realizing, is really not helpful. So here i am, i guess trying to find some relief.

i'm sad, i'll admit. i guess i kept waiting until one day when i would get to shock you all with the excitement of a baby blessing our lives, but that has slowly become less of a reality. we decided to hold off for a little longer. and when i say we, i mean that Paul lovingly and kindly spoke his mind about his desire to wait a little longer, and i freaked out entirely. i came to my senses after realizing that what my husband was asking for was time with me. how could i be hurt by him wanting to be around me, and only me? but somehow i still struggled. i find myself bitter, and i hate the color bitter. its not flattering, and not kind. but its all thats getting me by right now. i look at these adorable pregnant bellies of my beautiful friends and have to fight off jealousy, and that pains me more than you know. i spend time with my wonderful friends and family and feel out of place because i cant talk about how to make my baby sleep through the night or what i use when she has the sniffles. seeing other peoples joy reminds me of this time last year creating our plan: pregnant in the spring, new baby by Christmas. now, as Christmas will come and go, i just cant help but think "i should be 8 months pregnant right now." not helpful or good for me, i know. but i spent so long planning, thinking, dreaming that now i don't quite know where to put my thoughts. i feel awful admitting it. but i struggle coming to God. i'm guessing its because i am such a mess that he is probably not happy with the way i have handled this situation. now here i am, stuck, and unsure how to move on. thats my only option though-to move on. Its weird- i feel like i knew this baby somehow and know i struggle to forget him. im not sure if i shared this, but

Paul and i named him Jackson.

its always been our favorite baby name. so now we have our baby jackson in heaven. and here i am, his own mother, unable to get over myself and my pain. i know i will find my way, i just don't understand why it has taken this long. at least the tears are not as constant now and for that i am incredibly thankful. but my fear now is the numbness, which could potentially be worse. the things that were once my comfort and peace, are now so hard to come to- and that in itself is difficult. i need to learn what its like to remember His love for me. how he is jealous for me- how he loves us. that song will make me cry until they day i meet him because it speaks to me heart in an incredible way.

oh, how he loves us.

and here i am: bitter, angry, sad. not the joyful woman i should be. i am moving slowly through these past few months of my life just getting by daily. trying to push my desire for a baby aside to honor my husband and his wishes. trying desperately to change my thoughts to something else- but the one thing i am continually called towards- i fear. i'll figure it out. and it the meantime i simply get to rest in the knowledge that he loves me. oh- how he loves me.