Life aint always beautiful....but sometimes it is

Will I ever laugh again?
Yes.

When?
When something is really, really funny.

(Carrie Bradshaw)


I had the best time last night. Best friends, burgers, margaritas, laughter, crying, real life, more laughter, shopping spree to buy bigger jeans and beautiful baggier shirts, and yes…even MORE laughter. I love my friends, I love my jeans, and for the first time since I gained all this pregnancy weight and depression weight with nothing to show for it- I actually feel pretty. And I feel like I can laugh. It’s a big deal for me, my friends.

Don’t worry- I’ll get back to the story later tonight. I know you’re all waiting to hear about what happened next. Well, its going to be the hardest part to put into words…but I’ll try.

warning: this is a novel

Well, I guess I shouldn’t leave you all hanging. The next part was the one that kept dragging on for what felt like forever. Ill try make it short and sweet for you, because I am just that kind.

So lets see…where did I leave off? Oh that’s right- I was overwhelmingly happy. But not every joyful thing in life can last forever.

It all started about 7 weeks in. I was feeling everything I should be: sick all the time, eating like a rabbit for fear of spewing it all out moments later, and taking 2 hour naps just to get me through the day. And you know what- I didn’t even care. I knew that I was taking care of my baby and had this connection so deep, that I would have done anything in the world to make that baby safe and healthy. And I liked napping anyway, so now I had a lovely excuse. One day, I just felt wrong. I knew something wasn’t right- mother’s intuition, I have been told. So I called the doctor hoping to hear that all was well and that once again my hypochondria was kicking in. If only I had been that lucky. They called me in for an ultrasound and I had 20 minutes to get myself and my husband there, hearts beating like crazy, hoping for dear life that our baby was okay. After all, I had been doing everything right, doing the best I possibly could. We went in for the ultrasound and for a few moments they couldn’t hear the heart beat. Longest moments of my life, let me tell you. I have never been so fearful for silence in my entire life- and now here it was, our joy or fear hanging on this poor ultra sound tech’s word. The good news- after a while she heard the heartbeat- what a relief!! There it was. As I looked up at the screen I saw my baby, growing safely in my belly. And there in the corner of the tv screen was a little thump thump thump- and we watched our baby’s sweet heart beat along with mine. That joy dissipated quickly as we went to see the dr. and she informed us that the heart was actually beating about half as fast as it should be at this time. We can be hopeful, but only that- hopeful…not sure. So there we were, leaving the office terrified and knowing that in the next few days I couldn't actually be certain of anything. In the meantime, all I could do was cry, hold my belly close, and pray to God that he would let that little heart keep beating stronger. A week later… the heart beat was still slow. I was 8 weeks along now….he (yes..we believe it was a boy…) should be stronger by now. She told us we could be “cautiously optimistic.” So there we were…another week spent hoping, crying and praying. You know- I kinda had a feeling that things were going downwards. Some people felt that I was being negative, but I suppose that’s the only thing that saved my heart from entirely breaking. You see, if I had believed my baby was okay, I am not sure I would have survived what happened next.

When we first got pregnant, I happily made our first appointment for 9 weeks out. Now here we were, oddly enough on that same day, yet our heart missing the joy that should have been present. As I laid on the ultrasound table, I saw it before the tech had to say a word: no thump thump thump. Our baby’s heart had stopped beating sometime during the week. Its strange now to look back and think “when?” Was it during the night as I dreamed up baby names or nursery colors? Or maybe at work while I watched what I ate and drank all my water. Or maybe while I watched t.v., laughing with my husband over a funny commercial. I’ll never know when it happened, or if i noticed our poor baby leaving me, in a sense. All I will remember is feeling my heart drop, and hearing my husband try to navigate the details with the doctor while I cried into my hands. Who knew it would be us? And who knew this pain existed? I’ll never forget that day.

Wednesday lovin'

Good morning! I love me some Wednesdays. That is the lovely day of the week where I am let off the hook at good ol' Nike and get to spend my time with this little nugget- my sweet 7 month old niece Lola. Couldn't get better. And yes- she's a ginger.

belief

Choosing to believe this today. Why is it so hard to believe it everyday?

the happiest part

Okay- so I guess I will start from the beginning. The happy part, you could say. The part that makes everything that follows seem a little unreal.
So here we go.

This past November, my husband and I start talking about maybe starting a family soon. We discussed different goals we would like to make, some financial, some personal, and some in our marriage as a whole. Of course from the get go I didn’t hear anything else besides “lets have a baby soon” so anything he said to me in the months following are kind of a blur. We decided on April. So, what did I do? I waited and waited, and decided the wait between November and April was the longest amount of time I had ever been through. I am not going to lie- a tried more than once to change his opinion and try earlier. I may have even fake cried once….. But- he stuck to his guns and we waited until April. Which is good, I suppose. Because we got pregnant the first month after trying! Beginners luck, I say. I found out one day while Paul was at EMT school. I couldn’t believe it. I cried, called my sisters, ran to my mom’s, and experienced a joy and disbelief I have never had. Then- I figured out how to tell him- after 9 loooooong hours of knowing the good news, I went and bought a little, white newborn onsie, the cutest thing I had ever seen because I knew I finally would be using it. I had my mom sew on a little yellow piece of fabric stamped with “you’re a daddy.” I know- too cute, right? I tied it with a big blue bow to our dog’s collar and when he came home, finally, there it was. We celebrated, laughed, stared in disbelief. We called family and friends we trusted with the good news. We went to see our wonderful friends in Salem and gave them the surprise of a lifetime. We rejoiced and praised God. We knew we had a blessing. This was something I had wanted since before I can remember. Many of my friends would say they heard me talking about wanting babies well before a normal human thinks about these things. And now- here it was. My heart’s desire coming true, with my amazing husband by my side. We looked to the future and I daily felt a joy in my heart that I didn’t know was real. Even though I didn’t know my baby or couldn’t feel it move, I felt like this little person was a part of me and knew right away that I had just given my heart to them entirely- that this little baby was giving me and Paul the greatest gift we knew we didn’t deserve. How lovely that time was.

Feeling is Healing

Just too pretty to me as I begin working through all these messy thoughts.

Just the beginning....

This year has been one of the hardest but most beautiful years I have ever had. I celebrated 2 years of marriage with my amazing husband. Planned and attended baby and bridal showers for people so dear to my heart. I welcomed my sweet niece, Lola, into the world with a heart I didn’t know could open that much. I grew through my fears that used to paralyze me. I learned who I am and what my heart longs for in this life: cupcakes, craftiness, parties, wonderful friends and family. I began to understand what it means to feel blessed and pass along praise. I learned how to prioritize and found what is important. I am still learning all these things. Something most people don’t know- I lost someone I didn’t even know I could love so much. I had a person who lit up my life for a short time. Who brought me joy, fear, unlimited amounts of love, and brought my husband and I closer in a way I couldn’t image. This person meant more to me that I thought was a possibility. Who knew a heart opened that much? This person will hold a place reserved only for them in my heart until the day I get to run and hold them close. This year, I lost a person I loved more than life. This year I lost my baby. I said hello and goodbye faster than is necessary. I loved such a tremendous amount in such a short period of time, then grieved in a way that tore me apart. It was a beautiful gift, and I know that I WILL see my baby in heaven someday. In an odd way, I hope this blog will be therapeutic. I have so much to say- about life, living fully, baking, beauty, love, God, friends, wonderful gifts, as well as the grief that walks along for periods of time. I don’t believe in sugarcoating, so this will be real. I will not take my time beating down what has happened. But, the hardest thing for me during the darkest days I have known, was that no one understood. No one knew how my heart was tearing apart. No one talks about this kind of pain. So I am going to. I hope someone feels love and comfort in hearing about my year of hurting, healing, and figuring out who I am in the meantime. Feel free to ask anything you would like. I am not hiding that this happened, or hiding from what we endured in the meantime. This blog will bring you the beautiful things in life that I love so much, and will also share with you what healing meant for me. Enjoy!