so here i am...

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Hey all.

Yes its been a while. I realize. I've been a bit stuck lately, and i suppose i didn't know where to start. therefore i just didn't start at all. But that, i am realizing, is really not helpful. So here i am, i guess trying to find some relief.

i'm sad, i'll admit. i guess i kept waiting until one day when i would get to shock you all with the excitement of a baby blessing our lives, but that has slowly become less of a reality. we decided to hold off for a little longer. and when i say we, i mean that Paul lovingly and kindly spoke his mind about his desire to wait a little longer, and i freaked out entirely. i came to my senses after realizing that what my husband was asking for was time with me. how could i be hurt by him wanting to be around me, and only me? but somehow i still struggled. i find myself bitter, and i hate the color bitter. its not flattering, and not kind. but its all thats getting me by right now. i look at these adorable pregnant bellies of my beautiful friends and have to fight off jealousy, and that pains me more than you know. i spend time with my wonderful friends and family and feel out of place because i cant talk about how to make my baby sleep through the night or what i use when she has the sniffles. seeing other peoples joy reminds me of this time last year creating our plan: pregnant in the spring, new baby by Christmas. now, as Christmas will come and go, i just cant help but think "i should be 8 months pregnant right now." not helpful or good for me, i know. but i spent so long planning, thinking, dreaming that now i don't quite know where to put my thoughts. i feel awful admitting it. but i struggle coming to God. i'm guessing its because i am such a mess that he is probably not happy with the way i have handled this situation. now here i am, stuck, and unsure how to move on. thats my only option though-to move on. Its weird- i feel like i knew this baby somehow and know i struggle to forget him. im not sure if i shared this, but

Paul and i named him Jackson.

its always been our favorite baby name. so now we have our baby jackson in heaven. and here i am, his own mother, unable to get over myself and my pain. i know i will find my way, i just don't understand why it has taken this long. at least the tears are not as constant now and for that i am incredibly thankful. but my fear now is the numbness, which could potentially be worse. the things that were once my comfort and peace, are now so hard to come to- and that in itself is difficult. i need to learn what its like to remember His love for me. how he is jealous for me- how he loves us. that song will make me cry until they day i meet him because it speaks to me heart in an incredible way.

oh, how he loves us.

and here i am: bitter, angry, sad. not the joyful woman i should be. i am moving slowly through these past few months of my life just getting by daily. trying to push my desire for a baby aside to honor my husband and his wishes. trying desperately to change my thoughts to something else- but the one thing i am continually called towards- i fear. i'll figure it out. and it the meantime i simply get to rest in the knowledge that he loves me. oh- how he loves me.