December 27th- I bid you farewell.

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Good Riddance.

Its 11:38 as I start writing this and I couldn't be happier that this day is almost over. Its not because I am sad- I actually had a pretty good day. Its not because something wonderful is happening tomorrow- as far as I know its not. The reason I am happy this day is coming to a close is because I feel like it is closing a chapter right along with it. A chapter of wondering, wishing, picturing. You see, today, December 27th, 2011, was our due date. I remember looking forward to this day more than you know. I was excited and overjoyed for a while at the December on its way. And as today creeped up, I began to realize how happy I would be when it was finally behind me. It sounds awful to say- but I am so done comparing with other women who were due about the same time. I am tired of trying to push the fleeting thoughts of "I would be 36 weeks today" out of my head. I am ready for a time when I look ahead of me with hope, not with wondering and questioning. I am ready for a time when the baby doesn't come to mind as I jot the date at work. I know there are a lot of people in my life- and maybe some of you- that are pretty tired of hearing my sob stories or continuous rambling of the heartache this year has been on my life, and for that I am sorry. But tonight as my husband sleeps in the next room and I type by lamp light, all I can think is that its the end. Its time to move forward. I am not sure exactly in what way to begin, but I know there is a more beautiful road ready for me. As December 27th closes upon me, I only hope that this year brings more joy than hurt, more laughter than sorrow, and more adventure than despair. I am under no illusion that life is easy, and there are people I know personally that have struggled and been broken far more than I, but I am definitely hopeful for a joyful tomorrow. My new years resolution starts tomorrow-December 28th- rather than the moment we ring in 2012. I will move forward, not keeping my eyes on what is behind me, but rather what is ahead. And I can only hope and pray that next December 27th, I am far happier and blessed in ways I know I do not deserve.

Dear Baby Jackson,

Its weird that I haven't talked to you yet, I suppose. But its not because a lack of desire. I always wanted to speak to you, I just was unsure how to start. Do I show my sadness, or try for a happier smile? I don't want you to see that there is a hole in my heart where only you belong. I don't want you to know that as I sit the beautiful yellow chair that I was supposed to rock you to sleep in is now where I sit to write and mourn you. I don't want you to see me so sad and weak, 7 months later, still unable to really move past the sadness at your absence. I watched Marley and Me last night (though my sweet friend Gina told me to stay away from it) and I forgot the reason I cried the first time. They lost their baby. And last night as I watched that scene alone at 3 am while your dad slept beside me, I was brought back to that place. The day they told us your heart had stopped beating. I can't explain the sadness I felt that day. The emptiness that immediately flooded the room. It was such an upsetting thought, to realize that at one moment you were alive inside me, and at some second that I'll never know, your heart simply stopped. I know its not the same as dying, in which you probably didn't even know you were alive or feel any pain, but perhaps I felt it on your behalf. And I am so saddened that you had to see me cry so uncontrollably for so many days over you. I hope you know how much I love you, and that on this day that I so looked forward to meeting you, I am just made more aware of the joy I will feel when I get to hold you in my arms one day, the way it was meant to be. For now I just pray you are happy, though I know you are far more loved in Heaven than I could have ever loved you down here. It still seems unfair. I pray for you often and cannot wait to get the chance to meet you. I am blessed that in the few months I had you, you taught me to love in a deeper way than I had ever known. We miss you.

Love,

your mom.

i don't want to be

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You know, when i was a child i didnt care what people thought. When i was a teen, i wanted people to like me, but i didnt hide who i was to gain their affection. When i was in college i began to really get to know who i was outside of my home town. And now, as an adult, i feel like i have shifted my ideas of what is okay and who i am supposed to be. And you know whats the most frustrating- that shouldnt matter to me one bit. Why, as a married woman with a home, career, and a husband who somehow adores me, do i feel the need to create this blank mask and allow other people who write on it for me? Its such a depressing thought to realize how much my thoughts on this subject have changed in the last 15 years of my life.

i remember when i was in high school and i was going a morning Bible study with some girlfriends of mine. i left my journal out one day and it was opened to a blank page on my parent's kitchen table. my mom wrote a short little note to me that said "sis- i wish that when i was your age i had the confidence you have." She may have never known that i read that, but i treasured those words. I really didnt care what people's opinions of me were. Yes, i wanted to be friends with everyone, but thats because i loved being surrounded by laughing people and just taking in all the fun life had to offer me. What happened? Now i see that note (that i still have) and realize that it no longer applies. I am not the confident woman my mom saw me as years ago. But the best part- i still can be. All of a sudden its like a light turned on and i'm a kid again hearing the words "you can be anything you want to be." And for me- i want to be a woman who loves my family with a love that is palpable. I want to be okay with decisions i make knowing that i have been prayerful and thoughtful. I want to think about whats best for me, my husband, and our babies without a second thought of what others will think of me as a result. And i want to be okay with the emotional, stress-prone, sensitive, compassionate, over whelming, sometimes too much woman that God purposefully created me to be. Because if he loves me, why shouldn't i?

pure joy

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consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. james 1:2-4

you know, its hard for me to think of a time when i have considered my struggles and trials as pure joy. i am always questioning, always wondering, always asking why these struggles happen in my life. but- what would it be like, if through all my pain and sorrow of the last 6 months, i actually trusted God and looked at these trials as pure joy. as something i was learning from. as something that would shape me as a wife, friend, and hopeful mother. what a beautiful way to look at the trials and issues we face in our lives. not that its easy...by any means. but its something i will willingly try, as what i have been doing to fix my heart has really not been working...

happy Sunday, my friends.

weekend love

weekend, as of yet, at a glance:

in honor of me time, i am spending my saturday blogging, pinning, and relaxing at Starbucks, Peppermint Mocha in hand (well, technically my husband is here, but hes being super quiet and reading...). Last night we had a date night and went Christmas shopping at the mall, again with wintery Sbux drinks...its an addiction people. We then finished the night with red wine and movie night in bed all snuggled in with our kitty and 80 pound yellow lab. Good thing we splurged on the king bed a while back...

since i still dont have a super cool camera- here are some pictures i found while pinning this morning that i am slightly to very obsessed with. NOTE- these are not my cool pictures. they do not describe the things i have personally been doing this fine November day,

but yet the things i would be doing had i won the lottery and popped out some cute babies. enjoy, lovelies.

a dream is a wish your heart makes

Since it’s 11:11 all day long… does that mean we get a day of wishes? I hope so- because here are just a few things I wish for:

Did you make a wish today?

Me time

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Have you ever spent a day by yourself, doing things you want to do, relaxing- just having some time for alone? Lately, I have been finding that time a little difficult because I always feel like there is something to do. Dishes to wash. Laundry to fold. A closet to organize. A bedroom to clean. As I get older I have found that it gets harder and harder to go sit at a coffee shop and read, without feeling that pang of laziness. Am I alone here? There must be SOMETHING I could be doing with this time, rather than just sitting alone and relaxing. Well- I am here to tell you- this is my new resolution to myself. To sit, do things I love, and realize that the dishes will be done soon enough. Anyone with me? I say take even a few hours a week to watch your favorite movie, take a yoga class, read a sappy book, spend way too much time at Target, or craft away while listening to Christmas music (yes, I do that often.) What will YOU do for yourself this week?

Here are a few ideas, and things I enjoy doing:
- Go get Nicholas Sparks’ new book at Powells
- Get a new nail polish and go to town
- People watch at the mall
- Drink your fave Starbucks Holiday coffee and walk on a pretty lit street
- Find a close Pilates class
- Be a tourist in your own city- use cityfinder.com for fun ideas
- Paint pottery
- Bake
- Go to a thrift store and feel good about finding an awesome deal
- Go on a run with your favorite music playing
- Take a bubble bath
- Pinterest like a crazy person
- Make and send cards out to people you miss
- Find a new coffee shop in your city
- Learn to knit
- Find new recipes

change will do you good

i decided on some change. i feel like as i enter a new season of letting the bitterness go, and finding joy in the path i am on- a change was necessary. hope you all enjoy, and i will post tonight or tomorrow!